Divine Intervention.

God: "Hey ladies! Let's get the partaaaay started...wait a second..what is this?"

Jesus: "God, have a seat. We need to talk"

God: "What kinda fuckery is this shit?"

Bhudda: "God, chill, we're here cause we're worried about you."

God: "Shut up Bhudda you fat fuck, I was promised Hennessey and blow"

Jesus: "Dad, chill, we're doing this because we love you'

God: "Stay out of this you little shit, if it wasn't for alcohol you wouldn't have been immaculately conceived"

Bhudda: "there is more to life than alcohol and narcotics'

God: 'It's easy to give up material possessions when you consume more twinkies than the state of Ohio Bhudda'

Vishnu: "Gentlemen, relax"

God: "Holy cow Vishnu, did you just get your tits done? Man, I should've given human females four hands. What say you and I go to the back and reach spiritual enlightenment"

Zeus: "You Vishnu"

God: "Oh no, not him"

Zeus: "Well I must say this is quite electrifying"

God: "Okay who the fuck invited Zues and his fucking puns. I thought the purpose of these things was not to make me want to kill myself"

Zeus: "God, I find your comments shocking"

God: "Oh, Nice man, real nice. I thought this was going to be a toga party when I saw you"

Thor: "Here ya, Mighty Thor has arrived, where be Thine bitches"

God: "Oh shit Thor's here, Dude finally someone worth talking to. What's up Gangster"

Thor: "Oh God, Thou are mad fly"

Bhudda: "Who invited Thor?"

Thor: "Thor does not need an invitation. Thor heard this was a loki event"

Jesus: "No stupid, it's a Low key event, as in, not a lot of people"

Thor: "What? Thine better be joking, Thor wanted to get Hammered tonight"

Vishnu: "Deities, relax. Can we get back to the matter at hand here? God, we're worried about you"

God: "Did I ask for your help biatch? Let's hurry this up, I have ten minutes before I have to go possess the body of Tom Brady"

Bhudda: "God, you have a serious problem"

God: "Listen, if you guys expect me to sit here and listen to this, I'm going to need a guiness"

Vishnu: "Lord Xenu, can you please get god a Guiness?"

Xenu: "Oh I see how it is. Xenu do this, Xenu do that, fuck you guys"

Jesus: "Just get the man a beer Xenu"

Xenu: "You're not the boss of me Jesus"

Zeus: "Trust me Xenu, Jesus is not someone you want to cross"

God: "I'm going to stab you Zues"

Satan: "Please god. You need to stop swearing. We all love you, you've been going out too much lately and want to make sure you're alright. Please God, listen to your friends"

God: "Satan? I told you not to talk to me anymore"

Satan: "Oh god, I'm so so sorry. Why can't you forgive me? It was ONE accident, I havn't seen Odin since that party and that kiss meant nothing, can I come back to heaven? I miss you"

God: "Bitch don't even start, all you do is lie to me and tell me what I want to hear."

Satan: "Baby, baby, don't be like that"

Ra: "Okay, I've had enough of this."

God: "Ra? What are you doing here man? I thought we were cool"

Ra: "We are cool man, but you're fucking this shit up. New Orleans? Man you spent that night doing Crack off Hera's chest."

Zeus: "You did what?!?!

Jesus: "Nice."

Thor: "Nice"

Bhudda: "Nice"

Ra: "Listen, I know you're all about free will man but let's be serious here dude. You got lazy. When it's famine and disease all of a sudden it's part of a master plan. But when It's rigging the super bowl and pimping out our escalades you have no problem stepping in with some omnipotent celestial might.

God: "Man is this because of the plagues and moses thing? How many fucking times do I have to apoligize"

Ra: "It's not about that God, I care about you. You were there for me during that rough patch with Anubis when no one else gave a shit. We've been through a lot man, and I just can't have you throw away all your potential on manifesting crack to pay for hookers in Vegas"

God: "I....I had no idea you felt that way man"

Ra: "Dude, you're like a brother to me. I would never have come to this lame ass shit if I didn't want my old friend back"

God: "I... I think I have a problem"

Bhudda: "It's okay God, we're here to help"

God: "Thanks guys, I think I'm going to be all right, hey you mind if I just go out for a smoke with Thor for a second?"

Vishnu: "Of course"

Jesus: "No problem"

Thor and god step out.

Thor: "Thou are ready to find a real party?"

God: "Fuck yes, let's get the fuck out of here before I kill everyone in that room. Hey, want to go see Tom Brady score 18 touchdowns?"

The end.

Blood Work.

Steve: Oh check it out Mark, That's Bill, he's the white blood cell I told you about.

Mark: Oh cool, hey Bill, how's it going?

Bill: Good morning gentlemen, how's the blood stream going today? Any problems?

Mark: Nah Man, you know, just going with the flow.

Steve: Same shit different day, how's it going with you?

Bill: Having a good day, I personally eliminated some foreign substances from the body today.

Mark: Wow dude, what do you mean you 'eliminated' some 'foreign' substances today?

Bill: My job, I moniter the body and if anything is here that doesn't belong I destroy it.

Steve: Hold on a fuck here, you didn't tell me any of this shit yesterday, I thought you were cool man.

Bill: What are you talking about? Eliminating foreign materials is my job, I do it for the betterment of the human body.

Mark: Damn Steve, I didn't know you were friends with such a souless douchebag.

Bill: Listen here you peace loving hippie fuckhead, what I do protects the body.

Mark: Does it man? How do you know whats good for the body? You're just a cog in the machine man, you don't know what's really going on.

Steve: Okay chill people, we all need to relax. There must be a misunderstanding here.

Bill: The only misunderstanding I see is that your Cancer loving friend here is antigen establishment.

Steve: Dude, don't even try tossing around the big C, we were both created in the bone marrow. Just cause we don't hate foreign substances doesn't mean we love cancer.

Bill: You Red blood cells are all the same. You have no problem swimming and splashing around and talking about the big bad immune system when us and the T cells keep this piece of shit running smoothly. We provide you the freedom to complain to your hearts content while my brothers die on the front lines.

Mark: T cells? Those guys are nothing but crazy fucked up religious zealots. They're willing to blow themselves up and kill innocents just to protect their holy vision of the perfect body.

Bill: Innocents? They are foreign substances in the body! We have to destroy them.

Steve: You're a fucking racist dude.

Bill: Listen, without me and the whites, you wouldn't have the power to help the body fight diseases.

Steve: Mark dude you hear that? He's already talking about white power. Hey when's the next cross burning Nazi?

Bill: Okay, as fun as being lectured by you two has been, I just got a call. There's an unknown bacteria in the heart.

Mark: Hey, what's that supposed to mean? Some of my best friends are Bacteria, they're good microrganisms.

Bill: Don't worry, it's just a dirty pathogen.

Mark: Hey man! Don't go tossing around the P word like that. Bacteria are just like you and I, some of the best things in the body are bacteria.

Steve: Don't try talking sense into this one Mark, he's one of those ancient racists who thinks all bacteria is bad for the body. It's disgusting that we live in a day and age where a cell in a position of power tosses the P word around so casually without considering the historical and ethical ramifications of such a slur.

Bill: Oh yeah? What about that bout with Influenza we had?

Steve: That was weeks ago, how can you even remember things that happened so long ago? You need to get with the times man. You're a walking anachronism preaching hate crimes. Most of the bacteria I know nowadays are completely harmless, and some of them are active beneficial parts of the body.

Bill: Okay, seriously guys. A bacteria in the heart? I need to stop it.

Mark: You see what I mean steve? When our bacterium brothers are all quietly in the digestive system the man doesn't have a problem with it. But when one gets uppity and makes his way to the heart all of a sudden he's a pathogen. There's places where a Bacteria can be killed just for being in the wrong part of the body at the wrong time.

Steve: You're totally right man. Bill, I had a dream. A dream where Bacteria, foreign substance, and red and white bloodcells could walk hand in hand. A body of unity, of love, of peace.

Bill: I didn't want to tell you guys this, but there's a report that the bacteria in the heart might be hiding HIV, a widely massive disease.

Steve: Holy shit, you think the Bacteria in the heart is hiding a WMD? Do you have any proof?

Bill: I have it on good authority that it might be carrying HIV.

Mark: So you don't have proof?

*CRASH*

Steve: What was that sound?

Bill: That's the sound of us all being fucked because you dickheads wouldn't let me do my job.

Steve: My bad.

Mark: I still think you're a racist.

The end.

Only 2 Served

Tuesday December the 18th was the day the McDonalds appeared 850 feet above King and Spadina. Everybody was just crossing the street like any typical morning (myself included) when BAM, some guy looks up and there's a freaking McDonalds up there, practically a mile up. At first everyone shrugged it off. It's a mistake. It was last nights late meal. It was a balloon. Then some fries fell and hit some dude in the face. I think that's what started the first riot and when the initial pandemonium started.

After the freshly made and still warm fries were peeled off the nearly decapitated dudes face, the news crews showed up and pushed through the crowd to cover the story. 8 PM that night everyone in the GTA and somewhat beyond were informed about the golden arches defying gravity. Every Joe Toronto on the street wanted to share his two cents on what was up with Ronald's floating pad. Every expert was called in to debunk or offer perspective on this perplexing fast food phenomenon.

The scientists said it was an optical illusion, a mirage caused by malfunctioning aurora borealis or some crap like that I kinda wasn't listening. The religious and pious said it was a miracle and a sign that god loves us. Some of the other religious said it was a sign of the end times and that we should all pray and ask for forgiveness. The hippies called it an assault on nature, capitalism trying to conquer the air our last vestige of freedom. The business savvy gurus talked about stocks and how this would help McDonalds with both exposure and finding new airborne markets. Basically a lot of people and a lot of experts said a lot of stuff and all I knew was I wanted to be the first one up there to eat a freaking Big Mac. I wanted to be the first to map and tame this celestial McDonalds. I would be the one to conquer this new frontier.

So I did what I always did when I have some crazy thing I simply must do no matter what. I convinced Adam to do it with me. Where I was just plain ol' normal crazy, Adam was the most applicable best kind of crazy. He was an engineer. Adam was my best friend since time immemorial. Whenever I had some unrealistic relatively or thoroughly insane idea Adam was the one who made it tangible. After going through our usual routine consisting of him telling me I was a screw loose, that it wasn't doable, that I should have my head examined he eventually acquiesced and got down to making my Mcdonalds mission possible. Adam was the one who turned my vision into reality, the Rusty Ryan to my Daniel Ocean.

Adam toyed with several designs.

- Renting a helicopter (not enough bling)
- Building a supersonic and immensely powerful Catapult (worried about reaching terminal velocity)
- Building a rooted skyscraper sized ladder (insufficient materials)
- Hand gliding off of the the CN tower (unavailable access routes)

While Adam was working tirelessly on formulating a feasible way of getting up there, I did my best to rush him and remind him of time restraints (I really wanted to be the first one up there).

"I got it!"

Adam figured it out. Him and I would do a tandem skydive 4000 feet above the McDonalds and land on its roof. It was brilliant. I called the centre island airport and 600 dollars later we were on our way. Hours later and looking out the cockpit window thousands of feet in the air Adam's plan seemed a lot less brilliant and a lot more deadly/stupid/scary. As a rush of wind heralded the small airplane's door being opened, the pilot gave us a look of derision mixed with envy. While simultaneously giving Adam a grin that essentially meant 'If we both die the first beer in heaven is on me' I jumped semi gracefully out of the airplane and prepared to navigate the skies to my bright red target. As clouds parted and whizzed past me I sighted the Mcdonalds arch in the corner of my eye and tried to shift us in the appropriate direction. It worked. As the restaurant grew ever bigger and closer I pulled the chord and we proceeded to glide through the sky, bracing for impact and hoping not to impale ourselves on the big yellow McDonalds 'M'.

As my feet skidded and came to a halt I undid my parachute and took off my shoes. I let my toes feel the sweet roof of the McDonalds. Adam and I had done it. I felt like Christopher Neil Columbus Armstrong.

"We made it!" I exclaimed and hugged Adam.

We climbed down, opened the doors and were the first two people to ever step into the McDonald's located directly 850 feet above King and Spadina. We were kings among men. The interior of the McDonald's was underwhelming. I didn't know what to expect but just a typical McDonald's decor wasn't it. It was the usual size of your typical suburban McDonalds. It had a cashier and a drive through cashier who both seemed completely unsurprised to see us or to be there. There were about 14 tables, a decently sized back kitchen and a washroom for both males and females. I made my way to the counter and spoke my order proudly.

"I'll have a Big Mac meal with super size fries and a coke please."

"That will be 7.65 sir."

I paid the man and waited patiently for my food. After about 28 seconds my food came out. There it was, a big mac, a super size fries and a coke.

"Actually I forgot to ask for no ice."

"No problem sir."

Adam didn't get anything, he wasn't hungry. We found a seat right next to a window. What an awesome view. I ate the entire meal in under 10 minutes.

"So how was it?".

"Not bad".

"At least we're 800 feet in the air".

"I guess".

The End.