The last conversation between Jesus and his mother.

Jesus: Hey mom, I'm home.

Mary: Do you know what time it is? I swear you're going to give me a heart attack one of these days.

Jesus: I'm sorry mom, I was helping the sick and curing the lame.

Mary: So what? Do you know how much Cheryl Rubenstein's boy made today? 400 shekels! What do I get? Nothing. I swear you don't love your mother. When are you going to get a job?

Jesus: I do have a job mom, I'm spreading the word of our lord god to the masses.

Mary: Oh please don't bring your good for nothing father into this. What happened with carpentry? You wanted to be a carpenter. Judy Goldstein's son is a carpenter and he makes a lot of money. How are you supposed to meet a nice girl if you don't have a good job Jesus? I'm not going to be around much longer you know.

Jesus: Oh mom...

Mary: Don't you oh mom me. Sure you were immaculately conceived but I was in labor with you for 16 hours the least you can do is get me some grandchildren.

Jesus: But mom, I'm celibate.

Mary: I'm dying. I'm dying, I can't believe my son. I spent 33 years raising and caring for you and THIS is the thanks I get? Celibate? And get a haircut, who do you think you are? How are you supposed to meet a nice girl with your hair like that. What about that Mary girl? Do you want I should talk to her mother?

Jesus: Mom no! I can't get a girlfriend, I have to die for the sins of mankind!

Mary: Mankind Schmankind! What about your mother!

Jesus: I'm not going to stand here and take this, I'm getting John and getting out of here.

Mary: Oh I see, you can walk on water but you can't talk to your mother for more than 5 minutes. Alright, go play with your friends, leave your mother to die alone. Your mother who cooks you dinner every night. And stop hanging out with those boys, I don't like that goy Judas.

Jesus: Mom, can we not bring the apostles into this.

Mary: My beautiful beautiful Jesus. Trust your mother. Those boys are troublemakers, they have no future. They're going to get you in trouble with those nasty Romans. I don't know what I would do if I lost my little Jeezie weezie.

Jesus: Ma, I told you not to call me that anymore. I'm leaving.

Mary: Don't forget your robe! You're going to get a cold.

Jesus: I'm not cold ma.

Mary: You're not leaving this house without a robe.

Jesus: Fine, fine, I'll take the robe.

Mary: Wait, eat something

Jesus: I'm not Hungry.

Mary: But you might get hungry, here I'll pack you a falafel.

Jesus: Mom, There's something I've been meaning to tell you. I'm going to be betrayed and then I'll be tortured and crucified and killed but three days later I will resurrect and ascend into heaven.

Mary: ...I love you my little schmoopsie.

Jesus: I love you too, ma.